Don't Come In! I'm Maste - Err... Playing College Kings 2

You dirty old man. What are you doing reviewing this filth that they call College Kings 2? Well, I was asked if I’d like to try it out, and looking at some of the imagery, I felt I was doing my part. Besides, they were very nice about it.

If you don’t have your Steam account filtered, you might have seen this game by Undergrad Steve pop up a few times. Admittedly, I did see it but wasn’t going out of my way to try it. Sure, there’s an element of being pigeonholed into being a particular type, but as I’ve already reviewed House Party and She Will Punish Them, I thought, what the hell?

The cast in College Kings 2 couldn’t be viler – notably your avatar, whom you can rename. He’s an absolute slut who spells out what he thinks college is about: the girls. I mean, that is a bonus, but I must have lived a sheltered life as getting laid in this game is easier than switching on your computer.

As a big Leisure Suit Larry fan, having the end goal within reach at the start spoiled it for me. Instead of imagining getting up close and personal, just a few choice words and one of the many girls will be going to town on your schlong with zero censorship. Well, you can turn it on, but… why?

Yeah, I didn’t love College Kings 2, as there was zero challenge. Even when Larry was about to get his end away, it never came to fruition but made that all the more worthwhile. Here I was, juggling multiple ‘options’ and building up to boning one of the frontrunners for class president when, oh… Am I actually having sex with her? Huh. Wait a sec! What about Aubrey?! And that, my fellow pervs, is the lure. Well, other than the sex.

Y’see, when you start College Kings 2, you have to choose your persona. I kept it real and went for loyalty, thinking that the girl I liked was just a bit of fun; it soon turned out that we were an item, and I liked it. Your actions can affect the outcome with people, and as I had chosen loyal, some of the things I was doing were questionable, and believe it or not, I felt guilty. One of the girls would ask me to stay over or similar, and I’d always brush them off. This happened when I met Aubrey’s sister, who felt obliged to whip out my special purpose to the point where Aubrey caught us. What am I doing?

There is an option to enable or disable whether you can rewind/save your options, and as I was reviewing it, I took that opportunity and would rewind my mistakes. Here’s a He-Man-like moral courtesy of College Kings 2: sometimes holding out pays off. You’re welcome. Realising this was just a game, I created an alter-ego – a bastard who was an alpha male and would do and get what they wanted. This felt like a cheat code and took away some of the ‘mystery’, though.

What surprised me the most about College Kings 2 wasn’t the graphic images but the actual graphics – they’re really really good, and I can see why this is a visual novel (predominantly static images) as it would take ages to animate them. The score is more or less non-existent, and the dialogue is text-based only. But let’s face it, you’ll be playing this on mute, looking at the door hoping that there was a hotkey to make the screen go black on command. Should you pull off (ha!) a set piece, you’ll get to interact with your chosen beau in more ways than one.

College Kings 2 is quite in-depth, too, with multiple paths where choices matter. The core story is about two rival girls aiming to become the class president, and you have to side with one (or both), finding ways to make money such as photo shoots and what-not, or being the masseuse for a girls’ night in. It’s all fantasy-based stuff, but it’s amusing within the context of the title. Just don’t play this if your significant other/parents are home. There’s no explaining it should they catch you inserting your digits where they’re not supposed to go. In the game, you freak.

I wouldn’t usually seek this type of game out – nothing to do with the sexual content, I’m all for that, but the fact that it’s a visual novel and they aren’t typically my favourite. That said, I was impressed by the storyline and the variety of options, including a pseudo investigation scene. What’s more impressive is there’s now a free update with new scenes, choices and a new ending, making it worthwhile to play through again if you already have it. And, if you spend a few more pennies, the College Kings 2 Deluxe Edition gives you additional videos and boobalicious desktop wallpapers – if you’re brave enough to use them.

So, don’t assume it’s just about the flesh; College Kings 2 is an entertaining experience.