Only Beautiful People Play To Hell With The Ugly

“To Hell With The Ugly?” I say. “It’s a detective noir adaptation of the novel by Boris Vian from La Poule Noire and ARTE France, featuring turn-based combat and some truly stunning illustrations”, I reply. “How long are we going to run with this?” I question. “That’ll do, friend. That’ll do”.

Yes, you beautiful people, this is a hard-boiled noir featuring a couple of Marley-esque monologues from our gorgeous hero, Rock Bailey. Gorgeous is part of his design, not my stance. I’d say he’s Rock by name and dumb as a rock by nature.

After fraternising with the cool cats at the local jazz bar, Rock steps outside for a funny fag, only to wake up stark-bollock-naked and in the company of a siren who wants to get busy. The shame! Little does she know that Rock has sworn an oath of chastity until he’s 20. She’ll have to have cake elsewhere.

To Hell With The Ugly Steam Review: Drop Dead Gorgeous

Rock befriends a taxi driver and returns to the jazz bar to recalibrate with his friends and a bar anecdote to tell. However… a dead body is uncovered, and a newly developed thirst for amateur sleuthirisms (I just made that up), and thus, the To Hell With The Ugly adventure begins.

The first thing you’ll notice about the game is the visuals. Put simply, they’re amazing. If the message in the game is about how important it is to look good, the developers have raised the bar into orbit as the presentation is out of this world. It’s beautiful, just like me.

Unlike smoky, colour-starved noirs, To Hell With The Ugly will sucker-punch your senses with an explosion of colours, sex animations, and plinkety plonkety jazz to keep you fizzling. Yeah, the presentation gets you to fourth base after the first cinematic.

F Is For Fight

Gameplay, you say? That’s fair. Rock is controlled entirely with the keyboard using the standard directional controls, and F to interact to talk with peeps, select dialogue options and solve puzzles.

There aren’t that many puzzles in To Hell With The Ugly, but they’re relatively tough – even when you’re paying attention. Typical challenges include dragging and dropping evidence into place or filling in the blanks when deducting something…clever. Those bits are pretty easy, mind.

‘F’ is also for fight. Rock ain’t just a looker, but he’s a bruiser, too. When some wise guys put their dukes up, there’s a basic command list of actions such as attack, heal, and special moves, yet all controlled by pressing F in time. There are associated QTEs as well.

Kiss My Face

Undoubtedly, the presentation is the standout, but for the short time it took to finish in one go (just under four hours), I loved every minute of it. There’s just enough variety to keep you on your toes, plus it’s very, very easy on the eye.

ARTE France has a knack for supporting art-based games and has been doing so for the past 10 years. To Hell With The Ugly is just one of the many titles they’ve produced, and from my perspective, the pinnacle of the work they’ve done thus far. This isn’t a sponsored ad, just a fact, homes.

The source material is foreign to me, so I can only appraise the game. It’s brilliant. You can finish To Hell With The Ugly in one sitting, but it has a lasting appeal as the story was very entertaining. The only reserve being a very unsatisfying ending. Still, it is what it is, and I think it’s ace. Think of it as a subtle European version of The Venture Bros. It says to hell with stereotypes, boasts slick visuals, and a handful of boobies. Fnar fnar.