Those Bitches Will Pay In Wife Quest

Wife Quest. Nothing to do with waifus or some lewd first-person shooter, but the plight of a woman scorned. In the latest adventure from Eastasiasoft, you play as Mia on the epic task of rescuing her hubby from some stinky bitches. That’s Mia’s opinion, not mine.

Mia and Fernando happily live together on a farm but find themselves frequently raided by orcs. That’s confusing as these orcs are, in fact, buxom human babes intent on stealing Fernando and using him for whatever purpose they see fit. In fairness, he hasn’t got it that bad.

On the other hand, his missus isn’t taking any of it. She sets off on this Wife Quest to conquer the women who’ve stolen her partner and layeth the smaketh down. That line of ‘woman scorned’ is appropriate here as Mia severely punishes them, and in return, undergoes a fair amount of tribulations herself.

Wife Quest is an action platformer reminiscent of the 16-bit era, and after the first… dodgy narrative bit, I got stuck in immediately. The music is infectious, and the presentation is good. Equipped with a sword, she’ll slash away at a variety of melee and ranged-based enemies, deflecting aerial attacks and what-not with a magical shield (which unfortunately requires charging).

The first area was excellent with plenty of mini-stages, ample checkpoints and a boss that will more or less one-hit-kill you. That’s ok, though – there’s a shop, which means better gear, power-ups, and sweets. The latter isn’t available, however. How can this establishment call itself a shop?

After turning things around and one-hit killing some of the enemies, the opponents were the least of my worries and instead, it was the platforming element. I’m a big boy, so can admit my lack of skills where required, but there was something slightly off with the platforming in Wife Quest – it doesn’t feel precise. This became apparent at a scene where you have to get Mia to jump on falling leaves, only to land on the other side and get hit by a cheap shot that knocks you back down. Aarrggghh!!

Actually, those cheap shots happen way too much, and I’d steer you clear of this if you’re looking for a casual experience. There are simply too many points where you’ll get knocked down with a sly shot or flying enemies (my biggest pet peeve in platformers) that hover over you and don’t attack. Instead of deflecting their attacks with the shield, you’ll move to the side, ready to attack, but get spammed. Why not try a different difficulty level then? Nope. This is the normal mode, and if you find it too easy, you’ll have to finish the game first to unlock the ‘Magic mode’.

I’m always down for a grind, which will undoubtedly go on my grave, but inWife Quest it doesn’t necessarily help. Sure, upgrade your gear, and it takes fewer hits to kill one of these babes, but the problem for me was more the platforming double-teamed with those cheap shots. At least you get to do a punishing move on said bitches, which unlocks a variety of animations. That’s another thing that’s a little iffy about the game: the context.

The graphics are charming, and put the boobs to one side – wait, my hands are on my head – it all seems family-friendly. Sure, the punishment moves are harsh but amusing, and the combat is light-hearted. However… the dialogue is up and down. It’s mostly innuendo that younger audiences won’t get, but the baddies will frequently refer to Mia as flat-chested, and she’ll retaliate by calling them stinky bitches and more. I didn’t find it remotely offensive, but Wife Quest is not the game I was hoping to play with my girls. They went upstairs and played my PS2 copy of Manhunt.

Wife Quest is a cute, amusing game, but it’s a bit of a mixed bag. For me, the downside was the platforming element. It would be a better title if there were more precision, or perhaps an easier difficulty, so the game was more enjoyable than a chore in some areas. As it stands, it’s ok. For the price, difficulty level, replay value, secrets, and pixelated boobs, it’ll suit those comfortable with a challenge and will certainly get value for money.