Seven Pirates H Puts The Booty In Boobies

What is it that everybody has, and some pirates and thieves try to take? Da booty. Thank you, Kamaal and friends. Wise words. However, Seven Pirates H is more about the booby than the booty.

Let me use this internet platform and announce that I was looking forward to this game from Eastasiasoft. I’m not trying to impress anyone and say I’m above anime maids, oversized babylons, or “eh-eh” sounds accompanied by a cheek blush comparable to a slapped arse, but they’re not my thing.

Saying I was in it for the gameplay sounds like bullshit, but in all honesty, it’s true. Sailing the seven seas looking for booty while getting in some booby training is living the dream. At least on the Nintendo Switch, the platform I reviewed Seven Pirates H with.

Seven Pirates H is a turn-based RPG with a reasonably sized open world to explore. You initially play Parute, the pirate, on a quest for treasure. In a chance encounter, you meet sukebe extraordinaire, Otton – a penis-like seal monster obsessed with boobs and quite the connoisseur.

He very flatly (unintentional, but leaving it in here) informs Parute that she’s flat-chested. Two wasps on a salt lake. Raisins. You get the point. Selflessly, he tells her that there’s a way to improve her attributes through booby training. She (you) can adjust the size, height, cleavage, firmness and pertness of her breasts. This isn’t just titillation as these improve stats such as HP, attack, defence, agility etc. 

In a short space of time, Parute will befriend fellow pirates – sometimes battling them before they sign up. The same applies to the party; you can increase their stats through the training and purchase underwear (which does not change appearance) that add buffs and stat increases. You can have a party of four in Seven Pirates H and appoint a different leader should you get sick of Parute’s boo-tay.

Though you can change their undies, your party will remain the same throughout without any changes in looks, or weapons. However, as your stats increase – through in-game enhancements and eggs(!), new skills unlock. Other than the basic commands such as attack, defend and item usage, the ‘spell’ aspect features two special moves and one super-duper one. These are represented by MP.

MP in Seven Pirates H is awarded through inflicting and receiving attacks. When it maxes out at 200, the girl will be aroused, allowing them to do their over-the-top special. You can’t skip these, but they aren’t frequent enough, so when you do pull it off (steady!), it’s a visual treat of utter destruction. Ex-Heavenly King Rindo’s arousal animation was a highlight. Phwoar! In addition, Otton joins the ranks, and if you charge his attack (rubbing your Switch screen up and down frantically), he’ll often finish off a boss where your girls can’t.

There’s quite a bit of exploration in Seven Pirates H from a top-down perspective. You’ll sail the ship around a fog-infused map where locating items through the many dungeons will unlock new map parts. There’ll also be the opportunity to recruit a non-playable crew called Booty-kins and unlock various hidden treasures such as Manko Hallow. If you know Japanese, well…

Presentation-wise, Seven Pirates H is excellent. I was particularly impressed that ALL dialogue is fully voice-acted and well done at that. Since Gal*Gun, I’m more drawn to these games, though the juggernauts the girls sport are a little OTT. Again, not my thing, but maybe that’s why you’re drawn to this. Go for it.

For everyone else, what’s not to love about taking command of a group of loveable scantily clad pirates, battling cock-like mushrooms from the outset, or straddling companion Otton across the water or up a vertical cliff face? The booby training is cringy but essential for gameplay, and admittedly, I had to turn the sound off when playing this around the family. For everything else, it’s a lot of fun, and it’s been the only thing I’ve been playing on the Switch this past week.

The final battle was a little anti-climatic, mainly because my party felt over-powered by then, even though I didn’t consciously grind to level up my crew. Seven Pirates H is on the easy side, but that’s not a bad thing. Once you get to grips with the mechanics like the colour-coded pheromones and that there’s a map option for the dungeons (found out halfway through…), it’s a pleasant ride throughout and one I happily recommend to those looking for an accessible turn-based story, who have a penchant for tits.